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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
It takes balls to be a man.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.