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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.