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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.