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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Is there another word for synonym?
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.