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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.