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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.