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Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?