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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.