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I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.