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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.