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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.