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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I make a great second impression.
So long pants! See you Monday!
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...