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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now Iām heading north to start a new life.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!