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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.