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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
My house has really let itself go.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.