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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.