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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Reincarnation is my only hope.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!