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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!