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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.