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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug