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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.