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At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.