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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?