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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.