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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of