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Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.