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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.