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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
How Big is Infinity?