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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Bad decisions make good stories.