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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
My sleep number is 100 proof.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.