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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.