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Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".