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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?