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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.