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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.