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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.