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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver