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When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke