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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.