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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.