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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)