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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!