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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.