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If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly