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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
and alcohol are now friends.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...