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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.