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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.