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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.