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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
With great power comes great electricity bill.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.