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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.