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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.