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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"