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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it