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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I laugh in the face of normal.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.