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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."