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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?