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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Iām in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.