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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.