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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.