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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?