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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.